Radiation and Panic

After my surgery my Oncologist had told me that they were 99% sure that they had gotten everything. There was no mention of chemotherapy or radiation. I had been going on the assumption that I did not need further treatment. I would just go back to work and things would return to normal. I was at the Oncologist's office for a checkup and the removal of the catheter. To remove the catheter seems easy, you just unhook everything and pull it out. The doctor unhooks the external points of the catheter where is was secured to my leg

This picture is similar to how mine was connected except mine was just attached to my leg with adhesive and did not go all the way around. Well the doctor unhooks it and now he needs to pull the tubing out of my skin. Yes, it feels as gross as it sounds! It seemed to go on forever and it was the creepiest feeling ever! They pulled about two feet of tubing out of my body!! Though it was a huge relief not to have to deal with the catheter anymore. At this point the nerves to my bladder felt like they were starting to grow back, I just needed to make sure I went to the bathroom every two to three hours just in case I did not feel the urge. Even now, two years later I still don't always feel the urge. It's kind of like faulty wiring. if I move a certain way there is no connection.
Now the doctor tells me that I needed radiation, he told me I only needed five doses. I was shocked that I had to have radiation, but I figured I could get through five doses. He had the receptionist call the radiation clinic and make an appointment for me. My appointment was the last week of May, I went to meet the Doctor C the Radiation Oncologist. The first thing that threw me off was that the clinic was in the basement, I guess to keep the radiation contained. The office was nice and the people were friendly. I filled out the paperwork and waited to meet the doctor. Finally it was my turn and I went in to see the doctor so he could explain to me what was going to happen. I met the doctor and immediately did not like him, there was just something that rubbed me the wrong way about him. I sat and listened to him explain what needed to be done. He wanted to set me up to do brachytherapy.
Brachytherapy (brak-e-THER-uh-pee) is a procedure that involves placing radioactive material inside your body. Brachytherapy is one type of radiation therapy that's used to treat cancer. Brachytherapy is sometimes called internal radiation. Brachytherapy allows doctors to deliver higher doses of radiation to more-specific areas of the body, compared with the conventional form of radiation therapy (external beam radiation) that projects radiation from a machine outside of your body. Brachytherapy may cause fewer side effects than does external beam radiation, and the overall treatment time is usually shorter with brachytherapy. (MayoClinic)
I think at that point I was in shock, I had never heard of brachytherapy and was expecting external radiation. He did not listen to my objections and set up an appointment to start the process. I had an appointment with my Oncologist Dr R. the next day and I told her that I did not like Dr. C. and what he wanted to do. She flipped out and told me that I was only supposed to have external radiation and she would call Dr C an tell him in no uncertain terms. She called him immediately and told him that under no circumstances was I to have brachytherapy, external beam radiation only. I felt better once I heard that. 

The Radiation office called me within a couple of days to schedule me to come in for a cat scan and x-rays for the external radiation. I went to their office and was taken into the cat scan room. I put on a hospital gown and they situated me on the platform that would be pushed into the cat scan machine. As I lay on the platform I began to feel a little nervous, but once the platform moved into the machine, I freaked out! I started to have a panic attack!! I am claustrophobic and I do have problems with an MRI, but I have never had a problem with the cat scan machine. I tried to get it done but it was only getting worse for me. Finally they gave me a prescription for Xanax. I was told to get it filled and to come back that afternoon and they would fit me in to get this done. 
I got the Xanax and returned to the offices about an hour early so I would have time for the Xanax to start working. I planned to sit in the waiting room and take my pills and wait for it to take effect. I got to the elevator and had a full-blown panic attack. I could not even get on the elevator! I  have never felt like that before, it felt like I could not breathe, my clothes felt too tight, my heart was beating out of my chest. I almost felt like I was going to pass out or freak out. During the whole process of my cancer I never once broke down or became emotional. I was completely focused on doing what I needed to do to get rid of the cancer. You can only stay strong for so long before something inside of you breaks. I had reached my breaking point. I knew my treatment was not over but my mind could not cope with more treatment. I had convinced myself that all I had to do was get through the surgery and then everything could go back to normal. Radiation did not fit in with my plans and I guess the reality of it was all it took to finally break me. Breakdown or not, I still had to get through it. What I should have done was take a Xanax wait for a bit and then go downstairs, but I was so freaked out that I did not even think of it. Instead, I walked around a little outside until I was able to calm myself down enough to think about going downstairs. I took the stairs...I went into the waiting room and took some Xanax and tried not to think...it almost felt like the ceiling was going to cave in on me. Eventually the Xanax took a little of the edge off my panic. I could breathe a little better.
The nurse called me and once more I changed and went to lay on the machine. I almost freaked out again and I think they saw that, so one of the nurses stood in front of me, blocking my view of being in the machine up to my waist and just talked to me. I am so thankful that she did that, I was able to get the cat scan done! 

Then I needed to get X-rays, so I was led to the radiation therapy room. I saw the machine and they explained that during radiation I would be laying on the table and the machine would move around me. They would let me see what it would feel like while the machine took some X-rays of my pelvis so they could figure out the best point to aim the radiation beam. Once the point was determined they would put a little dot of permanent ink on my skin to mark the point. I basically needed to get 4 little dots tattooed on me. The technicians got me situated under the machine and then they left the room and the machine started moving around me. Well my panic attack was not over! I had to make them stop and let me off the table! I guess the Xanax had worn off.  I was able to take another Xanax and in a little bit of time I was able to get through the X-rays.
To be able to pinpoint the exact place to point the radiation beam took quite a few X-rays and a lot of drawing on me 

This is an example of one mark, my technicians drew all over me! I had arrows and circles and dots, I felt like a human canvas. Eventually they decided on the four points to tattoo, one on the front, back and both sides. After I was finished I was allowed to leave, I was exhausted. It was a very emotional day and I was still on the edge of having another panic attack. Now it took me taking Xanax to get through this process, what would I do during the actual treatment? It was Memorial Day weekend and my radiation started on Tuesday.......