Working Again

I was really happy that I was still entitled to my vacation time. I had no plans to go anywhere, but having those days enabled me to take at least one day a week off. Having those days made all the difference in the world for me to make it through the last part of the year. I was still so tired, I really missed those daily naps I used to take in the afternoons. I was hoping to regain some of my energy as time went on. I had read somewhere that it could take up to a year after treatment to regain your energy. I just had to take one day at a time and hope that my energy would return at some point.

Autumn is my favorite time of the year. By that point I am usually so tired of the hot weather and sunny days. Many people think that Southern California is always sunny, but that is not true. Our winter is more like autumn and it is our rainy season. One thing that happens every year around this time is that I get a little more tired than during the summer. Maybe this has to do with less hours of sunlight, and when it is dark outside my body tells me it is almost time for bed. This meant that I was extra tired this year. 

I did have some lasting effects  from my ordeal other than the tiredness. I guess I can say that the tiredness was partially to blame for the other effects. Before surgery I had been pretty strong with good muscle tone, I feel like I lost it all during surgery. My abdominal muscles were cut through during surgery and that destroyed the stability of my core muscles. Putting on a sock could cause me to pull an abdominal muscle. Even after the surgery, I had to be really careful not to do anything strenuous for the first six weeks after surgery. This meant that  I was not able to do any working out, I could just take short walks. Once those six weeks were up I went right into radiation and chemo. That was enough to deal with, and I certainly had no energy to work out at all. Even at this point, a couple of months after treatment had ended and I still had no energy, just making it through the day at work was hard enough on me. This being said, I was also dealing with poor muscle tone which made doing normal tasks even harder. One other side effect that I was hoping would go away were those panic attacks. I wish I could say that they went away after treatment, but I could have another attack at the most inopportune times. I have found myself going to see my doctor and standing in front of the elevator and that panicked feeling coming over me, time to take the stairs. At least the attacks did not come too often. 

November came and Thanksgiving was right around the corner. I sure had something to be really thankful for this year. I survived Cervical cancer and the treatment! I usually go to visit my Mom during Thanksgiving week, but there would be no traveling for me this year. I was too tired to even think of braving the insanity of an airport during Thanksgiving. Instead, I planned my own little Thanksgiving at home. I could have some turkey and take a nap and rest. I did miss seeing my family, but I had a relaxing Thanksgiving. I am one of those people that puts up the Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving, not this year. I was not as strong, so this year I needed a plan. I keep my decorations in the garage, I have two large totes and a small tote plus my little tree that need to be brought upstairs to my apartment. I decided to try to bring up one each day and to put up my tree the next weekend. That was the plan, and it did work out, the larger totes were difficult but I managed to get them upstairs.

 On Saturday I began to decorate, now this usually took me a few hours to get the whole house done, but this year I would have to do it in stages. Now the first step was to make room for the tree and get it set up. I moved a few light pieces of furniture and started setting up my tree. 

I was able to get the tree set up and the lights on it the first day. I had to take frequent breaks, but I got it done. Sunday I was able to get the tree decorated and put up my other decorations around the apartment. It's a good thing my place is small so I was able to get it all done. 

I was really looking forward to Christmas, not only because I love Christmas, but because I would have off from Christmas until after New Years. It is a slow time at work and most of my department took that week off. Christmas came and it was wonderful. I had the best present ever this year, my health. I was able to relax and recover from working the last four months. Now the only problem that I could see was that I was going to have to start working five day weeks again when I got back to work. I hoped that I would be able to adjust to working full weeks again....

Done with Treatment...Now What?

I was so happy that there were no more surprises! July 9th came and I finished my last treatment! What an amazing feeling of relief. Now that I was finally finished life could go back to normal. I had read that after a few weeks any side effects from radiation should stop, so I made the decision to return to work as of August 2nd. This would give me three weeks to regain some of my strength and hopefully be less tired. I would be seeing my Oncologist the week before I was planning to return to work. She could give me the all clear at that point and I was finished.
I spent the next two weeks relaxing and taking lots of naps. I was feeling fine except for the tiredness. I had no obvious problems and no side effects at all. I went to see my Oncologist and everything was fine. I would be seeing her every three months for a checkup for the foreseeable future. She signed off on me returning to work on August 2nd.
I called my boss and told her I would be back on August 2nd, she was happy that I would be back. I let her know that I was still pretty tired, so would do what I could. She told me to do what I could and not overdo it. As the end of the week came, I was actually getting a little nervous about returning to work after all I had been through. I didn't know if things would be different for me or if I could do all the things I used to do.
Monday came and I got ready for work. I was tired, but I figured that if it became too much for me to handle, I could always leave early. It was nice to see all my coworkers, everyone was glad to see me back. As I headed to the back of the store to my office I was a little worried that I would not be able to keep up, we were heading into our busiest time after all. For us, Christmas was now, we had to make all the decisions for what we were promoting that holiday and then we needed to get our orders in within weeks. I made the decision to not worry about it, no one expected me to jump back in as if nothing had happened. I would take my time and catch up first before I took over my old duties. After being out of the office for four months, the first thing I needed to take care of was my email. I had thousands of emails to sort through, and that is what I did for the first couple of days. I also called some of my publishers who I used to talk to daily to let them know that I was back. I also called the person that had taken over my duties while I was out to let him know that I was back. I asked him to continue taking charge of our planner (this involves keeping it updated with changes and making sure that everyone gets their jobs done by the due dates) until I had a chance to catch up.

I made it through my first day back at work. I was so tired that I almost nodded off in the car while sitting at a red light. Four more days to get through this week. I knew it would be very hard at first to get back into my old routine but I figured I would get used to it. Somehow I made it through August. I still did not have any energy and I was completely exhausted by the end of the day. I did find out something that was going to help me a lot. Even after being out for four months, it did not take anything away from my vacation and personal days. I still had to take four weeks of vacation and two personal days! Now that was some really good news! I talked it over with my boss and decided to spread my vacation days through the next four months. I managed to get it so that I would not be working any complete 5 day weeks at all for the rest of the year. I couldn't believe I was still so tired and had so little energy. It was almost two months since radiation had ended, when would I feel normal again?

My Last Chemo?

The next three weeks followed the same pattern as the first two. Radiation was not bothering me nearly as much as the chemo was. I guess I can only be glad that this was my only real side effect during my treatment. I did have some dry skin from the radiation, but it was not much worse than normal dry skin. I have seen the horror stories that some people actually get radiation burns from the treatment! I will definitely take a little dry skin over that!

On June 30th it was my final Chemotherapy treatment. I was so relieved that this part of my treatment would be over as of today. I would still have six more radiation treatments after this, but I could deal with that. I checked myself into the hospital, and at this point the nurses all knew me. As I entered the cancer wing, I just checked the board and found my name and room assignment, handed my paperwork to the nurse at the desk and got myself settled in my room. I had one of my favorite nurses that would be in charge of my chemo. I was so excited that this was the last time I would be doing this. I got my IV and started my fluids. Everything was progressing normally, I was reading a book while waiting for lunch when the nurse from my Oncologist came in to check on me. I told her everything was going fine and I was so glad this was the last chemo. She corrected me and said I had one more chemo left. Oh no! At this point I had enough surprises to last me a lifetime! I sternly told her, NO! This was my LAST chemo! I was mentally prepared for the five treatments, I could not, would not do another. I finished the day, and when my last bag of fluid was done, I unhooked my own IV (told you I was getting good at this). I said goodbye and went home.
I had an appointment to see my Oncologist the next day. I prepared myself to argue with her if she tried to push a sixth chemo treatment. It was not a surprise to me that she did want to talk about it. I told her emphatically that there is no way I could go through another chemo treatment. I think she saw that I was at my breaking point and she reluctantly agreed that I did not have to have another treatment.
I only had five more radiation treatments to get through and I would finally be done with treatment. I just hoped there were no more surprises coming......

Support and Side Effects

Before I tell you if there were any side effects, I have something to say about a support system. Having people support you through this ordeal is the only way to get through it. Now I don't want you to think that the only people that supported me during my treatment was my Mom and Step-father. I actually had quite a large support group, and that makes all the difference in the world. I had my MCs and my twin on facebook, my friends T and Q and N who helped me out when I needed it. They all offered moral support and commiserated with me about what I was going through.  The rest of my family, my Dad and brother, though they are on the other side of the country, called me frequently to check on me. My aunt sent me cards continually throughout my treatment, and they really brightened my day. My boss called me periodically to check on me and pass on well wishes from everyone at work, and to catch me up on all that was going on. I even had one of my publisher reps that called me weekly to see how I was doing, thanks D2. Cards and calls really brightened my day and made me realize that I was not alone. I have to say that my faith in God really got me through the dark times. If anyone that reads this that is going through treatment, or is about to go through treatment, make sure you have people that support you. If you don't have anyone, you need to find a cancer support group to find people that are going through the same thing as you are. You can't go through this alone, it is too hard. 


Thursday morning, June 10th. I woke up late again, chemo sure does make you tired. I was hoping that this week would be different, and I would  not have the same side effects. I guess that hope was in vain...today started off the same as last Thursday. I immediately took another stool softener. This week I was not going to take a laxative again because last week, that was what really killed me. My body was trying to move things along because of the laxative, but it was too hard...literally! :O
I guess the chemotherapy drugs must really dehydrate your body. Even with five hours of fluids during the chemotherapy it was not enough. I was drinking a lot of water too, and now I knew why they told me to drink a lot. 

I do have to say that this weekend was not as bad as the first one. I am not saying it was pleasant, I am just saying it was not as bad! I drank lots and lots of water and kept taking stool softeners as often as I was allowed. It seemed like this was going to be my pattern for the next few weeks. Chemo day, then three days of constipation, I can only say I was happy that this was taking place over the weekend, then some progress on Monday and Tuesday I feel normal before it all starts again.  I was going to have to try and compensate for the dehydration and drink even more water than before. Sigh...this was going to be a long month...

Chemo...Round 2

It was June 9th. Today was my second round of chemotherapy. Since I knew that chemo was going to be a minimum of five hours, I was going to be prepared today. I packed up some stuff to take with me, a book and some socks and snacks, I also brought a jacket this time. I also thought ahead and took a stool softener, just in case. I had made arrangements to go to radiation early on my chemo days, so I went in at eight a.m. I finished radiation (day 7) and drove over to the hospital.
I checked in at the hospital and while I was filling out the paperwork to admit myself for chemo, I mentioned that this was the second of my five chemotherapy sessions. The woman that was submitting my paperwork told me that I should just submit all my paperwork for the next four sessions to save myself some time when I came back. That was a great idea! I got the paperwork filled out and my hospital bracelet. I was told that when I came next I just had to give my name and sign in and they would give me the bracelet. 

I told the nurse that I did not need anyone to take me up to the chemo wing, I knew where it was. I went up there and checked in at the desk. I got my room assignment and this time I had a bed by the window and a tv that worked. My nurse came in and got me settled, I guess she was good at IVs, because she did not have to send for the IV nurse, she put it in herself. I asked for it to be put in my left arm, since the last two IVs had been in my right arm and it was still sore from last time. She did the best job with my IV, she put it in my left arm right under the crease in my arm by the elbow. It was the most comfortable I have been with an IV, I barely felt it. 
I was started on saline and I settled myself in and started reading. A few minutes into my reading, the phone rang, it was the woman in charge of nutrition. She asked me what I wanted for lunch and read off the menu to me, I had so many choices. Lunch and a side dish, a drink and dessert. I ordered a cheeseburger and mashed potatoes (no fries on the menu), I think I got a chocolate chip cookie for dessert. Lunch would be served around noon. 
I was pretty comfortable and not stressed out this time since I knew what to expect, unlike the last time. Something was wrong with my IV pump and it kept stopping. Every time it stopped an alarm would go off. The first couple of times I had to press my call button and ask that my nurse come by to fix the pump. After about the third time, she showed me how to reset the machine. I spent a large portion of my time resetting that machine. They could not change out machines, because there was not another one that was available. 
Around noon the nurse came in to start my chemotherapy drugs, and told me that my lunch would be coming right after she started the chemo. She had no problem getting the chemo started and then brought in my lunch. 

It really wasn't bad for hospital food. I guess I had heard too many horror stories about hospital food, and after my surgery everything tasted wrong because of the anesthesia, so this was the first time I was tasting hospital food without other influences. By the time I finished eating and resetting the IV pump a dozen times, the chemo was finished and just two more hours of saline to go.

Other than resetting the pump every time it stopped, the rest of the saline went pretty well. After the saline was done, the nurse unhooked me and I went home. The same scenario as last time, I was fine when I left the hospital until later that evening when I grew very tired. I headed for bed, wondering if I would have any of the same side effects as last time. I guess I would find out tomorrow..........

The Worse Weekend Ever

It was Thursday morning. I slept later than usual because I was worn out from the chemo. Everything seemed fine, other than being tired. I was not nauseous which was what I was really worrying about. I got up and got myself ready for radiation. Every day seemed to get a little easier. Once you get in the habit of going and having the same treatment every day you get less nervous about it. I still had to close my eyes when the radiation machine came around to block my vision, but I could get through it. Twenty-five more radiation treatments to go. 
I got home from radiation around noon. I headed for the bathroom, because I was still having faulty wiring with my bladder. I discovered that I was constipated. Now I knew that it was a possibility from both the chemo and the radiation, so I was not too surprised. I have been constipated before so I took some stool softeners and a laxative that my doctor had recommended. I figured in a few hours things would get back to normal. 
I had some lunch and took a much needed nap outside on my balcony. It was a beautiful day and my deck is west facing so I would only get whatever late afternoon sunlight that could filter through the trees to my balcony. I was not allowed in full sun because both the chemo and radiation made my skin much more likely to burn. 

Evening rolled around and I was still constipated. I figured the laxative should start working by morning. Friday came and there was no relief that morning, but I needed to get to radiation so I figured I would deal with it later. Later came and still no relief...I took another laxative and stool softener and took my daily nap. 
That evening the laxative tried to work. I had this incredible urgency but the pain was unbearable. I wanted to be able to go to the bathroom, but the pain when I tried to go was horrible. I was at the point where my stomach was starting to hurt me because I had not gone to the bathroom. 
I won't go in to the gory details, but I spent the entire weekend trying to make some progress. I did not sleep more than fifteen minutes at a time because the urge to go was so great. I tried every home remedy I could find and nothing really helped. I have never had a weekend like this. My body was covered in sweat and I had cold chills at times. I was unable to eat and I was exhausted both mentally and physically trying to get through the weekend. 
Finally on Monday morning I was able to get some relief. Nothing ever felt as good as that moment. I was still pretty weak from the weekend but by Monday evening I was starting to feel like myself again. I concluded that the chemotherapy must be the reason for my weekend troubles. Tuesday came and I felt fine, everything was normal. Tomorrow was chemo again.......

Chemo...Day One

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and the sky was blue. For me it was a day of unknowns. I had radiation at 11am and chemo was scheduled at 1pm. I kept telling myself it should only take an hour, I can get through it and I will be home by 2:30 or 3 at the latest. I got myself ready and drove over to the radiation clinic. At least today I knew what to expect and I started the countdown in my head. Only 27 more radiation treatments to get through. Radiation was still a little traumatic for me. I was ok when the machine was over me and under me, even to my left side it was bearable, but when it was on my right side it blocked my view of the room. In my head I knew that the machine was not closing me in, but for some reason it still started the panic. I would close my eyes until it passed from sight and that is the only reason that I did not have a panic attack. Radiation was done, and I would only need to meet with my doctor once a week for an update and to talk about any side effects I was having. Since I still did not like this doctor, that suited me just fine. 

I got in my car and headed over to the hospital to check in for my chemotherapy. You may ask, what is chemotherapy?

Chemotherapy (also called chemo) is a type of cancer treatment that uses drugs to destroy cancer cells.Chemotherapy works by stopping or slowing the growth of cancer cells, which grow and divide quickly. But it can also harm healthy cells that divide quickly, such as those that line your mouth and intestines or cause your hair to grow. Damage to healthy cells may cause side effects. Often, side effects get better or go away after chemotherapy is over.

I arrived a little early and filled out the paperwork to admit myself for the treatment. It took about a half hour to check in and get my id bracelet then one of the nurses took me up to the cancer wing. She gave my paperwork to the nurse at the desk who got me a room assignment. The nurse took me to my room, I did not have a window bed, but I was only going to be there for an hour.  The nurse that would be administering my chemo got me set up in the bed with water, the tv remote and the call button. She told me that an IV (intravenous) nurse would be in to start my IV. I was really not looking forward to this part...I hate needles, especially when they are in my skin for an extended period of time. The nurse came and set my IV up in my right arm, it did not really hurt too much. I asked her not to put it in my hand because when I had had it in my hand for surgery it was bruised and very sore for over two weeks. She started the IV solution, which at this time was just saline, and then she left. 

I lay in the bed watching tv and watching the clock, I only had to get through an hour and I could go. After an hour the nurse came in to change my IV bag, I asked her when I could leave, and she said I had another hour of saline, then an hour of chemo and then two more hours of saline! I started to freak out and I told her that my doctor had said it would only take an hour. She said the chemo itself was an hour, but I needed to keep hydrated or the chemo could be dangerous. I needed two hours of saline for hydration before the chemo and then two hours of saline to cleanse the chemo drugs from my body. I was in shock that I needed to be here for treatment for five hours! I had skipped lunch because I figured I would eat right after chemo. Lunch was over at the hospital, but my nurse was able to get me a turkey sandwich that they had in the refrigerator for this kind of situation. (It was replaced daily so it was fresh.) 

I wish my doctor would have told me that I would have to be at chemo for so long. I could have brought a book and some snacks or something. Of course to make matters even worse, my tv remote was broken, so the tv was stuck on CSPAN with no volume. My day was going from bad to worse. I told the nurse and she was able to get someone to come up and fix the remote control so I could at least watch tv for five hours....

The first two hours were finished and now came the chemo. I did not know what to expect, would I be nauseous? what would it feel like? I guess I would be finding out very soon. The nurse came with the IV bad filled with chemotherapy drugs. First she injected an anti-anxiety drug into my IV and then I took some anti-nausea pills. Now came the chemo. My nurse hooked up a new saline bag and the chemo bag and adjusted them to drip together into the IV tube. She set up the chemo IV infusion pump 

Infusion pumps can administer fluids in ways that would be impractically expensive or unreliable if performed manually by nursing staff. For example, they can administer as little as 0.1 mL per hour injections (too small for a drip), injections every minute, injections with repeated boluses requested by the patient, up to maximum number per hour (e.g. in patient-controlled analgesia), or fluids whose volumes vary by the time of day.(wikipedia)

Having chemo running through my veins did not feel any different than the saline except it was cold. It was like ice water being pumped into my veins...mental note...next time bring a jacket! I covered myself with blankets and just waited for it to be over. Once the chemo was done, I was hooked up to the regular saline again, at least my time was more than half over. Finally it was done! The nurse came and removed my IV, and I got ready to leave. I was told to let my doctor know about any side effect from the chemo. Here is a list of the common side effects:

At least I knew I could cross a few off my list. I was assured I would not lose my hair and I no longer had any reproductive organs. I was hoping that I would not get many side effects. I left the hospital and headed home. It was good to be home at last, I could change the count to four chemotherapy sessions left. I did not have any effects that night and hoped I was going to skip the side effects. I felt fine, a little tired, but fine! Until I woke up on Thursday........

Radiation Day One

Why does time always fly by when something you dread is coming up. I was hoping to be able to relax for the weekend before having to go back to the radiation clinic, but the weekend was not good. I guess once you let the panic out it is really hard to get your emotions and fears under control. The emotions that had been kept in check behind my wall of determination could no longer be kept inside once the wall was broken. Everything felt like it was spinning out of control. On Saturday, I began to panic again and had to leave my apartment so I could breathe. I wish they had given me more Xanax because I sure could have used one that day, but they only gave me a few to get through the cat scan. I made it through the weekend and by the time Tuesday came, I was feeling normal again. 
I had radiation in the morning and an appointment with my Oncologist in the afternoon. At this point I was still under the impression that I needed five radiation treatments, and I was able to tell myself that I could get through five treatments. I got to my appointment and was taken in to the radiation room. The technicians got me situated on the table and then they were ready to start treatment. They left the room and turned off the lights, they were able to talk to me from their console. The radiation beam only lasts a couple of seconds and after each dose the technician would come in and change the setting on the machine. The machine rotated around me first over me, then to the right side, under me and finally to the left side. I was so proud of myself for getting through the treatment without panicking. After the treatment I had to speak to Dr C. I was taken to an examination room and waited for the doctor. 

Finally the doctor came and let me know that I had just had the first of 28 treatments. I protested that I was only supposed to have five, but he assured me that it was 28. I was going to be seeing my Oncologist that day so I would bring it up with them later. I was told to wait because someone would be in to give me some materials and talk about radiation side effects. A nurse came in and gave me some literature about radiation and told me about side effects that I could get. 

Common Side Effects

Many people who get radiation therapy have skin changes and some fatigue. Other side effects depend on the part of your body being treated. Skin changes may include dryness, itching, peeling, or blistering. These changes occur because radiation therapy damages healthy skin cells in the treatment area. You will need to take special care of your skin during radiation therapy. To learn more, see"Skin Changes". Fatigue is often described as feeling worn out or exhausted. There are many ways to manage fatigue. To learn more, see "Fatigue". Depending on the part of your body being treated, you may also have: Diarrhea Hair loss in the treatment area Mouth problems Nausea and vomiting Sexual changes Swelling Trouble swallowing Urinary and bladder changes Most of these side effects go away within 2 months after radiation therapy is finished. Late side effects may first occur 6 or more months after radiation therapy is over. They vary by the part of your body that was treated and the dose of radiation you received. Late side effects may include infertility, joint problems, lymphedema, mouth problems, and secondary cancer. Everyone is different, so talk to your doctor or nurse about whether you might have late side effects and what signs to look for. See "Late Radiation Therapy Side Effects" for more information on late side effects. (www.cancer.gov)

I was to let the doctor know if I experienced any of these side effects, and I was to use aloe vera gel on my skin at the points where the radiation beam was aimed to keep the skin from blistering. 
After this I headed over to my Oncologists office. I told the doctor (not my main doctor, but one that was training under her) that I had been told (by him)  I needed only five treatments of radiation and they wanted to do 28. He assured me that was correct and apologized if he had given me incorrect information. I was not happy with the situation and I was about to get even more unhappy. I was told I needed chemotherapy, but only five doses. He said it would only take about an hour. I refused! No way was I doing chemo! I did not want to lose my hair!! I was already kind of mad at him for misleading me about the radiation, intentional or not, no way was I giving in on the chemo! He called in my main doctor to speak with me, Dr R. explained that the chemo would work with the radiation for a more effective treatment. She also assured me that I would not lose my hair, it was, as she called it "little girl chemo" or I guess you could call it chemo lite. I reluctantly agreed to do it and I needed to go to the hospital the next day to start. I was given a couple of prescriptions to fill that day for Xanax (yay!) and an anti nausea medication.  
I headed home a little overwhelmed. Chemo and radiation...I had seen pictures of people that were going through treatment and I could honestly say I was a little scared. What would happen to me? What side effects would I get? Would I be really nauseous? I did not know what to expect and I did not even have time to get used to the idea. Tomorrow I started chemo.......

Radiation and Panic

After my surgery my Oncologist had told me that they were 99% sure that they had gotten everything. There was no mention of chemotherapy or radiation. I had been going on the assumption that I did not need further treatment. I would just go back to work and things would return to normal. I was at the Oncologist's office for a checkup and the removal of the catheter. To remove the catheter seems easy, you just unhook everything and pull it out. The doctor unhooks the external points of the catheter where is was secured to my leg

This picture is similar to how mine was connected except mine was just attached to my leg with adhesive and did not go all the way around. Well the doctor unhooks it and now he needs to pull the tubing out of my skin. Yes, it feels as gross as it sounds! It seemed to go on forever and it was the creepiest feeling ever! They pulled about two feet of tubing out of my body!! Though it was a huge relief not to have to deal with the catheter anymore. At this point the nerves to my bladder felt like they were starting to grow back, I just needed to make sure I went to the bathroom every two to three hours just in case I did not feel the urge. Even now, two years later I still don't always feel the urge. It's kind of like faulty wiring. if I move a certain way there is no connection.
Now the doctor tells me that I needed radiation, he told me I only needed five doses. I was shocked that I had to have radiation, but I figured I could get through five doses. He had the receptionist call the radiation clinic and make an appointment for me. My appointment was the last week of May, I went to meet the Doctor C the Radiation Oncologist. The first thing that threw me off was that the clinic was in the basement, I guess to keep the radiation contained. The office was nice and the people were friendly. I filled out the paperwork and waited to meet the doctor. Finally it was my turn and I went in to see the doctor so he could explain to me what was going to happen. I met the doctor and immediately did not like him, there was just something that rubbed me the wrong way about him. I sat and listened to him explain what needed to be done. He wanted to set me up to do brachytherapy.
Brachytherapy (brak-e-THER-uh-pee) is a procedure that involves placing radioactive material inside your body. Brachytherapy is one type of radiation therapy that's used to treat cancer. Brachytherapy is sometimes called internal radiation. Brachytherapy allows doctors to deliver higher doses of radiation to more-specific areas of the body, compared with the conventional form of radiation therapy (external beam radiation) that projects radiation from a machine outside of your body. Brachytherapy may cause fewer side effects than does external beam radiation, and the overall treatment time is usually shorter with brachytherapy. (MayoClinic)
I think at that point I was in shock, I had never heard of brachytherapy and was expecting external radiation. He did not listen to my objections and set up an appointment to start the process. I had an appointment with my Oncologist Dr R. the next day and I told her that I did not like Dr. C. and what he wanted to do. She flipped out and told me that I was only supposed to have external radiation and she would call Dr C an tell him in no uncertain terms. She called him immediately and told him that under no circumstances was I to have brachytherapy, external beam radiation only. I felt better once I heard that. 

The Radiation office called me within a couple of days to schedule me to come in for a cat scan and x-rays for the external radiation. I went to their office and was taken into the cat scan room. I put on a hospital gown and they situated me on the platform that would be pushed into the cat scan machine. As I lay on the platform I began to feel a little nervous, but once the platform moved into the machine, I freaked out! I started to have a panic attack!! I am claustrophobic and I do have problems with an MRI, but I have never had a problem with the cat scan machine. I tried to get it done but it was only getting worse for me. Finally they gave me a prescription for Xanax. I was told to get it filled and to come back that afternoon and they would fit me in to get this done. 
I got the Xanax and returned to the offices about an hour early so I would have time for the Xanax to start working. I planned to sit in the waiting room and take my pills and wait for it to take effect. I got to the elevator and had a full-blown panic attack. I could not even get on the elevator! I  have never felt like that before, it felt like I could not breathe, my clothes felt too tight, my heart was beating out of my chest. I almost felt like I was going to pass out or freak out. During the whole process of my cancer I never once broke down or became emotional. I was completely focused on doing what I needed to do to get rid of the cancer. You can only stay strong for so long before something inside of you breaks. I had reached my breaking point. I knew my treatment was not over but my mind could not cope with more treatment. I had convinced myself that all I had to do was get through the surgery and then everything could go back to normal. Radiation did not fit in with my plans and I guess the reality of it was all it took to finally break me. Breakdown or not, I still had to get through it. What I should have done was take a Xanax wait for a bit and then go downstairs, but I was so freaked out that I did not even think of it. Instead, I walked around a little outside until I was able to calm myself down enough to think about going downstairs. I took the stairs...I went into the waiting room and took some Xanax and tried not to think...it almost felt like the ceiling was going to cave in on me. Eventually the Xanax took a little of the edge off my panic. I could breathe a little better.
The nurse called me and once more I changed and went to lay on the machine. I almost freaked out again and I think they saw that, so one of the nurses stood in front of me, blocking my view of being in the machine up to my waist and just talked to me. I am so thankful that she did that, I was able to get the cat scan done! 

Then I needed to get X-rays, so I was led to the radiation therapy room. I saw the machine and they explained that during radiation I would be laying on the table and the machine would move around me. They would let me see what it would feel like while the machine took some X-rays of my pelvis so they could figure out the best point to aim the radiation beam. Once the point was determined they would put a little dot of permanent ink on my skin to mark the point. I basically needed to get 4 little dots tattooed on me. The technicians got me situated under the machine and then they left the room and the machine started moving around me. Well my panic attack was not over! I had to make them stop and let me off the table! I guess the Xanax had worn off.  I was able to take another Xanax and in a little bit of time I was able to get through the X-rays.
To be able to pinpoint the exact place to point the radiation beam took quite a few X-rays and a lot of drawing on me 

This is an example of one mark, my technicians drew all over me! I had arrows and circles and dots, I felt like a human canvas. Eventually they decided on the four points to tattoo, one on the front, back and both sides. After I was finished I was allowed to leave, I was exhausted. It was a very emotional day and I was still on the edge of having another panic attack. Now it took me taking Xanax to get through this process, what would I do during the actual treatment? It was Memorial Day weekend and my radiation started on Tuesday.......

Recovery is a Long Road

I was home! There really is no place like home! I really wanted to see my kitties, but of course with my Mom and Stepfather there they were hiding. I was pretty tired from the exertion of the ride home and getting in and out of the car and up the stairs to my apartment, so I just got into bed and fell asleep. You really have no idea how tired you will be for the first few weeks. I laugh when I think of all that I brought to the hospital with me to keep me occupied, books and ipod etc. I did not even open my bag while I was in the hospital, all I did was sleep.
 When I woke up the next day my kitties were on my bed and they were purring, I was so happy to see them. The apartment was quiet since my Mom was driving my Stepfather to the airport, he had to be back at work, but my Mom was staying to help me for a few weeks. Under doctor's orders, I was not allowed to pick up anything heavier than a coffee cup for six weeks, and bending over (to feed the cats) was completely out of the question in the beginning. I got my first good look at my new scar, it was big and ugly. 

There are different ways for a hysterectomy can be performed. There are two basic ways for a hysterectomy to be performed depending on the reason for the hysterectomy.  First there is the MIP or minimally invasive procedure:

MIP Hysterectomy

There are several approaches that can be used for an MIP hysterectomy:

• Vaginal hysterectomy: The surgeon makes a cut in the vagina and removes the uterus through this incision. The incision is closed, leaving no visible scar. 
• Laparoscopic hysterectomy: This surgery is done using a laparoscope, which is a tube with a lighted camera, and surgical tools inserted through several small cuts made in the belly. The surgeon performs the hysterectomy from outside the body, viewing the operation on a video screen. 
• Laparoscopic-assisted vaginal hysterectomy: Using laparoscopic surgical tools, a surgeon removes the uterus through an incision in the vagina. 
• Robot-assisted laparoscopic hysterectomy: This procedure is similar to a laparoscopic hysterectomy, but the surgeon controls a sophisticated robotic system of surgical tools from outside the body. Advanced technology allows the surgeon to use natural wrist movements and view the hysterectomy on a three-dimensional screen. (WebMD)

Then there is the open surgery type of hysterectomy:

An abdominal hysterectomy is an open surgery. This is the most common approach to hysterectomy, accounting for about 70% of all procedures.

To perform an abdominal hysterectomy, a surgeon makes a 5 to 7 inch incision, either up-and-down or side-to-side, across the belly. The surgeon then removes the uterus through this incision.

On average, a woman spends more than three days in the hospital following an abdominal hysterectomy. There is also, after healing, a visible scar at the location of the incision. (WebMD)

I had the open surgery type with the vertical incision. The reason my doctor chose this incision was because they needed to visually inspect the ovaries and they needed to remove the lymph nodes. Upon examination it turned out that I had endometriosis on the ovaries.

Endometriosis is a gynecological medical condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus (endometrium) appear and flourish outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the ovaries. The uterine cavity is lined by endometrial cells, which are under the influence of female hormones. These endometrial-like cells in areas outside the uterus (endometriosis) are influenced by hormonal changes and respond in a way that is similar to the cells found inside the uterus. Symptoms often worsen with the menstrual cycle. Wikipedia

This was the reason I was in so much pain during my period. I guess I can be grateful that I did have endometriosis because that pain was the reason that I went to get checked out and they found my cancer before it spread. So they removed my ovaries, which means that at age 42 I was thrown into menopause. 

Menopause simply means the end of menstruation. As a woman ages, there is a gradual decline in the function of her ovaries and the production of estrogen. There is great variation in how different women experience menopause. About 75% of women have hot flashes. Nighttime hot flashes are more common and may result in chronic sleep deprivation. Mood changes aren't as well understood, but some women report an obvious change in mood. In addition, women may experience vaginal dryness, painful intercourse, and urinary symptoms. These symptoms are often temporary and pass as your body adjusts.(WebMD)

I guess I am one of the lucky 25% that don't get hot flashes. Actually I did not really notice much difference from the way I was before surgery except that I no longer got my period. That was the real bonus of this whole ordeal. I can absolutely say that I do not miss it at all! 

My Mom stayed with me for three weeks and my days were pretty much the same. I would be up for a few hours then take a nap. My first shower after surgery was exhausting, I needed to take a nap afterwards.  I learned that if I was going somewhere the next day, like a doctors appointment, I needed to shower the day before. Anything I did would tire me out so much that I needed a nap. So the first couple of weeks were spent napping and watching tv. I did not even have to energy to get on the computer for more than a few minutes a day, and for me that is unheard of! :D  

By the third week I was starting to feel better and was able to bend down to feel the kitties again. I still got tired easily, but I was able to do more. My Mom left at the end of the three weeks, I was feeling well enough to take care of most things at that point. I was so grateful to her for helping me out during this time, and it was really nice to spend all that time with her. 

I had a problem. I was not allowed to drive for six weeks after surgery. It was only three weeks and I needed to get groceries and get to doctor appointments. I'm glad I had some really good friends that were able to help me out and take me where I needed to go. I was able to convince my doctor to let me start driving at five weeks, which made me feel like I was getting back to normal.

I was starting to feel good, I was five weeks out of surgery and things were starting to feel normal. I figured I could return to work in a couple of weeks and my life could get back to normal. I was wrong. I was going to my oncologist once a week to check on the progress of my healing. At the next appointment my doctor dropped a bomb on me. I needed to have chemo and radiation...

Today is My Surgery

It was still dark out as we left my apartment and headed to the hospital. The next time I would see the sun would be after my surgery. We got to the hospital, I checked in and filled out the paperwork, they told me to be seated and they would come and get me. I won't lie, I was starting to get a little nervous. This was my first actual cutting me open kind of surgery. The nurse called me really quickly, maybe they were afraid I would change my mind. The door to get out of there was pretty close.....I looked over at my Mom and she looked a little nervous too, I was really glad she was there. There is nothing like having your Mom there to make you feel comforted.

I followed the nurse to the pre-op room and was given a hospital gown and told to change my clothes. As I got undressed I took one more look at my smooth belly knowing that this was the last time I would see it like this. The next time I saw it there would be a big scar. I put on my hospital gown and got into bed. My Mom and Stepfather were able to come in and see me before they took me in to surgery which was nice. Then the nurse came to start my IV. I can truly say that I do not like IVs! When I had emergency surgery three weeks ago they had put the IV in my forearm, this time they put it in my hand. WOW! That really hurt! I did not have time to really worry about it because the nurse came in and asked my Mom to leave...it was time. I was wheeled into the operating room and they injected something into my IV. That was the last thing I remember until I woke up in the recovery room.

The first thing I noticed was the noise. It seemed like there were a lot of people moving around and machines beeping. I opened my eyes and it took me a few minutes to figure out where I was. Then I realized that the surgery was over. I had survived! I was not in any pain at the moment, but I figured that they had given me some kind of nerve blocker and pain meds. As I lay there someone came in to deliver some flowers to me. That was really nice, I was still too groggy to really take a look at them, but the box was placed on my bed until they had a room available in the cancer wing .  It seemed like I was in the recovery room a lot longer than the last time I was there. Must have been a lot of people in the hospital that day.
Finally they had a room assignment for me. A couple of orderlies came and wheeled me to the elevator and up to the fourth floor. I did not have my own room this time, but at least I had the bed by the window. Not that it mattered, I immediately fell asleep. When I woke up my Mom and Stepfather were there, I remember her asking me questions about how I was feeling and telling me that it was 5pm. I may have mumbled something and fell back to sleep. The nurse woke me up to check my vital signs and told me that they wanted me to get up and start walking around, but I was so out of it I must have fallen back to sleep. They must have finally realized that walking was not going to be happening that day.
Wednesday morning came with pain...a lot of pain! I was shown the morphine plunger, what a relief!!! The nurse told me that I would definitely be walking today and to prepare myself to start after breakfast. I did not eat any breakfast, everything I tried to eat had a tinny taste, must have been a side effect of the anesthesia. One of the nurses came in to help me start walking, but first I had to get out of bed...
As a part of the surgery they had removed lymph nodes, to get to the lymph nodes they had to cut the nerves to my bladder. Until the nerves regenerated, which I was told should take a few weeks to a month, I had to have an external catheter. So there was a tube coming out of the right side of my abdomen near the point where my leg meets the body and taped down to my leg; from there the tube leads to a catheter bag. I needed to try to get up and walk around while holding not only my IV stand but also this catheter bag. The first step was trying to get out of bed. I tried to sit up and felt this explosion of pain, I almost passed out right there! The nurse told me to press the morphine button and then try to sit up. I pressed that button as quick as I could and was finally able to sit up. That was a lot of work but it was not enough, they wanted me to get up. I grit my teeth and was able to stand. The nurse got my IV stand and the catheter bag and held on to me as I started to take my first few steps. We managed to get out of my room and down the hall before I started getting tired. We painstakingly made it back to my room, but now they were changing the sheets and washing the floor so I could not get back into bed. I could not stand there either, so the nurse helped me into a chair. At this point the pain was really getting to me and sitting in the chair was really putting pressure on my wound. They finally finished and had to help me into bed, I immediately fell asleep. They had me get up and walk around twice more that day and between walking I was mostly sleeping.

Thursday came and I knew there was more walking in my future. Each time I got out of bed and walked around it was a little easier and I was able to go a little farther. The nurse had told me that I would not be able to go home until I was able to walk, so that made me really determined to do what I needed to so I could go home. If I was not able to walk well by Friday morning I would probably have to stay in the hospital until Monday. No way was that going to happen!!! The first time I got up on Thursday, the nurse helped me to get up, but I was able to walk on my own. After that my confidence grew and I got up and walked around several times unaided throughout the day. I was able to make it around the whole wing once that day (the wing is set up in a square). It took a while but I made it.
Friday morning came and I knew that I needed to show the nurses that I could walk fine and they could recommend to the doctor that I go home. I got out of bed and walked the square twice! The only difficult part for me was the sitting up part, but thanks to the morphine, I was able to do it. My doctor came to see me and told me that I could go home that afternoon! I was so happy! There was nothing I wanted more than to go home and sleep in my own bed. My Mom helped me to get dressed, what a chore that was, and I was  taken downstairs in a wheelchair. I had my soft pillow ready for the car ride home, now getting into my little sportscar was really tricky. I had to recline the seat and kind of lay in the car clutching my pillow. Never did the drive home seem to take so long. I am pretty sure I felt every crack in the road too.
I was home! It was finally over! Now all I had to do was recover.....