I Have Cancer....

Cancer. Such a small word to describe something so scary. I never thought I would get cancer. No one in my family had any history of cervical cancer. I think I was kind of numb at that point, it was too much to take in and my brain would not process it. My doctor told me that an Oncologist would be in to talk to me later. I lay in the hospital bed looking out the window. I really wanted to be home so I could think about all that had happened, but I had to wait to speak to the doctor to find out what the next step was. 
By the time the Oncologist came, I had determined that I just needed to take care of the situation as quickly as possible and move on with my life. I really just wanted to be past this situation. The Oncologist came in to see me and she was this tiny blonde woman. Dr R was really honest with me about what the situation was and what needed to be done. I had stage 1b cervical cancer

n stage 1B the cancerous areas are larger, but the cancer is still only in the tissues of the cervix and has not usually spread. It can usually be seen without a microscope, but not always. In stage 1B1 the cancer is no larger than 4 centimetres (cm). In stage 1B2 the cancer is larger than 4cm across.  http://cancerhelp.cancerresearchuk.org  

I guess I was lucky that they caught it at that stage. It had not spread beyond the cervix so that was a good sign. To keep it from spreading Dr R wanted to do a radical hysterectomy as soon as possible. 
In a radical hysterectomy, a surgeon removes the whole uterus, tissue on the sides of the uterus, the cervix, and the top part of the vagina. Radical hysterectomy is generally only done when cancer is present (WebMD)

Dr R told me that she would like to leave the ovaries if she could, but that could not be determined until she could look at them. So there was a possibility that she would remove my ovaries throwing me right into menopause. She was also going to do a lymphadenectomy or lymph node removal. 

Lymphadenectomy is surgery to remove lymph nodes. This surgery is done to see if cancer has spread to a lymph node. Some lymph nodes are located near the surface of the body, while others are deep in the abdomen or around organs, such as the heart or liver. Lymphadenectomy is also done to remove melanoma that has spread only to the lymph nodes and to prevent melanoma from spreading farther (WebMD)

Dr R asked me how much time I would need before surgery. I asked her to give me at least two weeks to get my projects taken care of at work and my work shifted around to other people. She said that I would get a call with my surgery date. 

Now I really wanted to go home. I had a lot to do and a lot to think about. When you are feeling like your world has shifted there is no where you would rather be than home where you feel comforted. I asked the nurse when I could leave and she told me that it needed to be 24 hours after surgery, so I still had quite some time to go before I could leave. I began planning in my head all the things that needed to be done before surgery. Many people would have cried or been really lost at that point, but my coping mechanism was to put all emotion away and focus on what must be done. Suddenly the room phone begins to ring, I answered the phone and it was my Mom. The last she had heard from me was that I had an abnormal pap and had to have a colposcopy, I had told her that I would call her when I got home. With all that had happened I had completely forgotten that I promised to call. As you can guess, she was freaking out that I would up in the hospital, and things did not get better when I told her my diagnosis. I was able to calm her fears by letting her know that the doctor had said that it was only stage 1b and the prognosis was good for a complete recovery. Moms worry, and she started making plans to come out and be with me for the surgery and to stay and help me after. I love my Mom!  After I got off the phone my boss and her husband showed up. It was really nice to see them, but when I explained the diagnosis they were shocked and concerned. At that point my focus was on getting through the situation, everyone that I spoke to was more emotional about it than I was. 

The twenty-four hours was finally over and I got out of the hospital as quickly as possible. I hugged my cats tight when I got home! I started writing lists...my work list, all the things I needed to get done or shifted before I left; home list, all the things that I needed to get taken care of before surgery; also a call list, who needs to be kept informed of my status when I come out of surgery. I did get the call during that week, my surgery was scheduled for Tuesday, April 13th. Three weeks is all I had left before surgery!! 

I had so much to do and so little time that those three weeks just flew by! I did not tell many people about the surgery, only my family and a few friends knew. I did not even tell my facebook friends until the last minute. I don't know why, I guess I did not want to talk about the cancer. Now I wish I had talked to them about it, I may have been able to release some of the fears that I was keeping behind this wall of focus. Every time someone would ask me about how I was feeling, I would brush it off and act strong. I was fine, it would be over soon and I could get back to normal. The only one that I talked to about my real feelings was God, I put my faith in Him and I knew I would be ok. With everyone else I needed to be strong, with God I could be me.

My Mom and Stepfather came out on the Saturday before surgery. I was happy to see them, but I guess it was finally sinking through that I would be having surgery in a few days. I was able to spend a nice Saturday with them, but Sunday I started getting a little irritable. I was not upset with them, but I must have been getting a little nervous and that is how it presented itself. Monday was a rough day for me. I needed to go to the hospital for pre-op and bloodwork which I took care of first thing. The rest of the day would be miserable, since this was going to be a radical surgery I would need to do a bowel cleanse. I had to drink a laxative powder dissolved into gatorade, not a glass but two full gatorade containers. I can't even look at gatorade without shuddering now! No one likes an audience while they have to do this so I told my Mom and Stepfather to go out to dinner, another reason was I was not allowed to eat anything and did not want to smell food cooking. After several horrific hours I was pretty sure I was completely empty. I got my bag together for the hospital. I had a book and my ipod, snacks and other things to amuse myself with and of course, the most important thing, a really soft pillow. Everything I had read recommended that I get a really soft pillow that I could hold to my stomach after surgery. It would also be necessary for the car ride home. So I was ready. I had everything that I thought I would need. I needed to be at the hospital at 5am for check in, so I went to bed early. Now I didn't say I went to sleep...too much on my mind. I must have eventually dozed off and when the alarm went off I opened my eyes and knew today was the day. I really wanted that cancerous monster removed from my body, but surgery was a scary proposition. I had never been cut open before and did not know what to expect. How bad was the pain going to be? There was no putting it off, I got up and got dressed. I french braided my hair, after the rats nest of knots my hair was in after the first surgery I wanted to keep it under control. We got in the car and left for the hospital......

What if it's Cancer?

Cancer. What a scary thought...what does an abnormal pap mean? 
An abnormal result means that cell changes were found on your cervix. This usually does not mean that you have cervical cancer.

Abnormal changes on your cervix are likely caused by HPV. The changes may be minor (low-grade) or serious (high-grade). Most of the time, minor changes go back to normal on their own. But more serious changes can turn into cancer if they are not removed. The more serious changes are often called “precancer” because they are not yet cancer, but they can turn into cancer over time. It is important to make sure these changes do not get worse. CDC

I talked to my friends and family and looked up whatever I could google on it. Everyone assured me that it did not mean I had cancer, but I was still a little concerned.  The nurse told me that I needed to come in and have a colposcopy, so I had one scheduled on March 18th, 2010. I had to google colposcopy to find out what it was. 

Colposcopy: A colposcopy is an examination of the vagina and cervix using a lighted magnifying instrument called a colposcope. National Cervical Cancer Coaliton

So from what I read, it seemed to be a more in depth pap smear.....well we know that I don't do well with even the regular pap smear so I was freaking out. I tried unsuccessfully not to think about it until my appointment. Well the day came for my appointment, it was a Thursday. I had made the appointment later in the day so I could go after work and then go straight home and have a glass of wine to try and forget it!  I arrived at my appointment and my doctor tried to calm my nerves by explaining what was going to happen. She would look at my cervix through the colposcope and take a bigger sample than she had taken during the pap smear. She warned me that it may bleed a little but they had some ointment that would stop the bleeding. I had a really hard time with this procedure, but the doctor managed to get a sample. Now she mentioned a little bleeding....that ointment may as well have been water, it did nothing. Now my doctor is focused on getting the bleeding to stop, she eventually packs in cotton like my cervix was a bloody nose! She tells me to lay still and relax (!) the bleeding should stop soon. I lay on the table for about fifteen minutes and the doctor comes back to check me. The bleeding won't stop!

I guess it was a really good thing that my doctor's office was in one wing of the hospital. The called down to the emergency room to prep the OR for surgery. I was put in a wheelchair and wheeled through the corridors until I was in the emergency room. I filled out some paperwork and was taken right into the pre-op room. Now I was really freaking out, I had never had surgery and I was about to go in without even being able to tell anyone. I convinced the nurse to let me make a quick phone call, and she agreed. I got out my cell phone...oh no! I forgot to charge it! I had enough juice for one quick call. I called my friend and asked her to call work for me and to go feed my cats! Then the phone died and they were putting in an IV for surgery. 

I woke up in recovery and all I wanted to do was go home. This was a little too much for me to take in all at once and I just wanted to be home! I was told that I would be able to go home tomorrow and they took me up to my room for the night. At least I had the room to myself.  It was already late so I tried to sleep. Pretty hard to sleep when the nurses wake you up every hour to check your blood pressure. Once morning came all I could say to the nurses was to let me go home! They said the doctor would have to release me and she would be in soon. 

I watched some TV for a while until my doctor came. She asked how I was feeling...I was feeling like I want to go home!....then she told me that they had taken a better sample during the surgery and cauterized the area that was bleeding. Then she said it....I have CANCER......

Wow! That's Not Normal Pain!

My name is Linda and I am a two year Cervical Cancer survivor. So much has changed since I was diagnosed in 2010. Everyone has a different experience and not everyone has side effects. I have had a lot change for me and I want to write this blog for other women that are going through this or will go through it in the future. 
To start with let's define what Cervical Cancer is: Cervical cancer is cancer that starts in the cervix, the narrow opening into the uterus from the vagina. Most cervical cancers (80 to 90 percent) are squamous cell cancers. Cervical cancer affects approximately 13,000 women in the United States each year, and more than 4,000 of women will die. Human papillomavirus (HPV) is found in about 99% of cervical cancers. Some types of genital HPV may cause genital warts, while other types of genital HPV are linked to abnormal cell changes on the cervix (detected through Pap tests) that can lead to cervical cancer. HPV can infect anyone who has ever had a sexual encounter, even without going “all the way.” HPV is spread through skin-to-skin contact, not through an exchange of bodily fluid.  From the National Cervical Cancer Coalition.
If you want more information visit the National Cervical Cancer Coalition page to learn more.  Please, if you are a woman, make sure you get a pap smear regularly and if you are a man, make sure the women in your life are getting checked! If caught early, this is a completely curable disease.


Let me start my story by telling you that I had a very bad experience with a gynecologist in the past. I went to a new gynecologist, she was pretty brusque,  but I figured I just had to get through it and it would be over soon. I am a "difficult" patient, I have a really hard time relaxing enough for the doctor to get their samples.  I am sure some of my doctors wished they had a crowbar! I did explain to the doctor that she needed to take things slow (hehe, sounds like a first date), but either she was not listening or did not care. She attempted to jam the speculum inside me, I jumped back and practically flew off the table! Eventually she got the sample she needed, but not before traumatizing me so much that for the next few years I could not even think about going to a gynecologist without hyperventilating. 
Well a few years have gone by and I've managed to convince myself that I did not need to get checked out. I was regular to within a couple of days every month and there was nothing even the slightest bit off about anything. So time is going by and I've managed to put any thought of it out of my mind.....until September of 2009....suddenly things were not working right. First I missed a period....very odd for someone so regular. I was not seeing anyone so pregnancy was not even a question. I did some research and it could have been any number of things that caused that from stress to perimenopause (pre-menopause). I decided to wait and see what happened the next month...well everything happened on time in October. I was feeling relieved until two weeks later I started bleeding again. Now I was starting to get a little worried. I did some more research and once more there were a number of reasons that could cause it from polyps to fibroids to endometriosis.  I was concerned, but still not entertaining thoughts of going to a gynecologist. 

http://www.ladycarehealth.com/top-cervical-cancer-signs/

November came on time, but it brought with it the most intense pain I had ever felt! I felt like I was in the movie, Alien, and it was trying to rip itself out of me. I almost passed out the pain was so bad, good thing I was home. After downing a handful of Advil I curled up in a ball on my bed for a few hours. After a few hours the pain settled down to just extreme and I was able to actually stand up. I was in a lot of pain for the weekend, but by Monday it had settled down to normal cramps. I finally gave in and decided I needed to go to a gynecologist. It had been a long time since I had gone and I had moved a few times since that day so I needed to do some research and try to find someone that I could be comfortable with.  
It is December, I still had not found anyone and Christmas was coming, so I did not worry too much about finding one right away. I figured I would get through Christmas and deal with everything in the new year.  Well guess what was coming....you got it...the PAIN!  Now the pain not quite as intense as the first time, but it was still worse than any cramps I had ever had. I made it my number one priority to find a doctor after the holidays.
It is now January and I have found a doctor that looks promising. Dr A looks like a kind woman, so I call to make an appointment.  First available appointment is beginning of February, I take it. Of course this means I have one more excruciatingly painful series of cramps to get through. I was lucky enough to have a very understanding boss, and after I explained the pain she agreed that I could take a couple of days off when I needed it, so I made it through January. Now after dealing with that kind of pain for several months I was more than ready to see a gynecologist if she could get me some relief. A little pain and I was quickly changing my tune! 
Finally, it is February and time for my appointment! I really hope she can help stop the pain...and my appointment is just in time with a week to go before the cramps would come again.  Dr. A is as nice as she seemed in her profile, she is patient and gentle and is able to get a sample from me. Best of all, she prescribes some painkillers to help me through the pain to come. After I explain my pain to her she schedules me for an ultrasound to check for abnormalities. I leave the office happy and relieved that it is over...little did I know! The next week is the ultrasound...it was INTERNAL!!! That is an experience that I wish I could erase from my memory.  I made it through February's cramps with the help of some strong painkillers, but even they could not make the pain completely go away. They were enough to make it seem like normal cramps. Still it was better than the alternative!!!
I expected Dr. A to call me to discuss the results of the ultrasound and to figure out a solution to my pain. I got a call, but it was not the call I was expecting. It was the results of the pap smear, I had not even been concerned about the pap, I had been operating under the assumption that the problem was something like fibroids or endometriosis.  The pap was abnormal...